


That's Unfortunate

by hibiren



Series: Jay's FFXV Fic Favorites Collection 2018+ [7]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alternate Universe, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Cute, Dating, Developing Relationship, Dick Pics, Dirty Thoughts, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Jokes, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Nude Photos, Online Dating, Promptis - Freeform, Secrets, Sexual Humor, Silly, Texting, the best darn flirting crack I could come up with please enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 09:16:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibiren/pseuds/hibiren
Summary: Frustrated with his lack of romance in his life, Prompto digs through his phone to find some kind of replacement - turns out that replacement is a dating app called "eMoogle", a mysterious connection, and lots of dirty texting.





	That's Unfortunate

**Author's Note:**

> my alternate title for this was 'It Sucks to Suck Dicks' and I just wanted to put that here because I'm too proud of that to let it disappear into my brain lol. This fic is full of Prompto's terrible attempts at stereotypical cringe-hookup-date-flirting so please, please enjoy all the hard work (hehe) I put into this! It's gonna be one super cracky ride and I hope you enjoy all the jokes I wrote in! I'm way too proud of some of those :P

Even Gladio noticed when Prompto’s phone started going off more frequently. Every time his phone ‘warked’ (he’d set every notification noise to “chocobo” just to make answering phonecalls more interesting, of course) Prompto immediately snapped his phone up from wherever it was, read whatever was being sent to him, and shoved it into the pocket of his pants, only to repeat the process a few seconds later.

“You finally got Cindy’s number or something?” Gladio asked one day as the group sat gathered at a table in front of a caravan, scrolling through their phones as they finished up breakfast. “Your phone’s been chirping up a storm lately.”

“Yes, I agree. You might want to put it on a silent mode, I feel like I’m still at the Chocobo Post even though we haven’t been there in weeks.” Ignis frowned, shrugged, and returned his attention to finishing the last of the scrambled eggs on his plate.

Only after a few more hours of the guys’ not-so-subtle complaints toward Prompto’s warbling phone, he finally agreed to put it on vibrate instead. A collective sigh of relief followed, almost comically, a half-second later.

“Well, while you guys are enjoying your quiet, I’m gonna go use it one last time before we head out.” With that, Prompto ventured through the caravan’s small door and shoved himself into the tiny partitioned-off bathroom. With one leg propped up against the wall he snapped a quick picture, his other hand pulling the waistband of his sweatpants down far enough to reveal his blond-tufted bits. Of course, as usual, it was rather close-up, as he didn’t want to have any strange men trying to stalk him if they caught a glimpse of anything other than skin. To the desired recipient of his image, he added the caption,

_[wish you were here, luv, blondie - blondieboi173]_

and sent it off with a few heart emoji and a satisfied nod. When his current target saw it, he hoped he’d get something good in return. He had his sights set on this one for a while. Unfortunately-fortunately, his previous pursuits of Cindy or lack thereof had just driven him to his phone’s appstore, where he found it: _eMoogle_. A rating of 4.2 stars couldn’t lie, it had to be worth a shot.

Prompto joined the others after actually using the bathroom like he said he would - for extra security just in case - and they set off in the Regalia down the road, heading to their next destination. Their current cover sent them to drop off some supply boxes at a Coernix station for a hunter, so after their previous nights’ rest they decided to make a quick finish of this job.

They made smalltalk about this and that, the weather, the sights, until Prompto made a frantic noise when a sudden downpour started overhead.

“Iggy, the roof! Aww, man, my hair…”

“One moment.”

The four shook the dampness from their clothes and hair and continued on, otherwise undelayed by the change in the weather. Prompto kept a hand on his phone as they drove, waiting anxiously, excitedly, for any replies. To keep it casual, his phone was actually silenced this time. Once his phone finally did go off, he waited a few minutes and then pulled it from his pocket, flicking open the screenlock and typing in his password. He couldn’t have been happier to see that little envelope in the top corner of his screen, and forced himself to try his best not to sneak a smile as he read the message.

_[nice show blondie. u wanna be my player2? i could help u beat that - e1337hiscore]_

Perfect. Now, he hoped for a 1-up pic from his gamer boy.

_[your leethands think they can handle my legendary equipment? maybe you’re not a high enough level yet :p - blondieboi173]_

_Wait, ‘equipment’?? Gods, that’s embarrassing, isn’t it, what did I just do?_ Prompto silently cursed at himself for letting his flirtation almost reach that level of cringe-worthiness that ended up on those forums on the internet. Was it too late to take it back?

_[does this answer ur question? think u can take all of this? - e1337hiscore]_

When the attached image loaded, Prompto thought that he’d just used up all his good luck charms for the next thousand years. It was nothing but skin and hands on a slightly blurred black background and yet, a beautiful piece of hard work. He’d never imagined he’d be so thrilled to receive his first dickpic from his mystery connection. It took him a moment to remember to hold the phone a bit closer than usual, to keep the others from catching a glimpse of his secret surprise.

And this mystery guy was well-endowed, too. Even if their conversations quickly delved from chatting about games to not-quite-desperate flirting, it still felt as if somehow it were almost too well timed.

_[and then some, big guy. I'd love to get my mouth on that lol - blondieboi173]_

_[would luv to see what that mouth of urs can do. show me soon? u don't seem like a dumb blondie to me, i know u wanna. i might just wanna fuck u someday... - e1337hiscore]_

_[woah woah slow down there buddy, you gotta take me to dinner first! How's a Crow's Nest sound? They've got great fries and even better drinks. If it's all good dessert's on me if you know what I mean ;p - blondieboi173]_

_[let's meet here then. c u @ 5? - e1337hiscore]_

A screenshot of a map appeared on Prompto's screen, showing the location of the particular proposed Crow's Nest. Was it too perfect? That one was right across from their dropoff point! It was nerve-wracking but exciting to know he finally had a shot at getting someone, and a free meal out of it too. Even though his little “hobby” had to be kept a secret for now he felt satisfied knowing that he would at least be able to get off and not be by himself for once.

_[I’m game. See ya soon <3 - blondieboi173] _

The hard part would be getting the other guys distracted enough that he could leave for a while without being noticed… so Prompto spent the next fifteen minutes or so deliberating exactly what his plan of action should be.

“Hey, guys, I have an idea! When we get to that gas station let’s just camp out there for the night. Maybe if we’re lucky we can get a glimpse of the morning shipment of new snacks…” And it was true, by the time they usually reached the point for a pit stop they were usually all exhausted and too tired to think about food (except Prompto) and at least this way it would give him more time to roam around, pretending to look for snacks - although there was really only one in particular on his mind.

“Mm. Sounds good,” Gladio chimed in, passing a can of Ebony up to the front seat for Ignis, who only sighed when Noctis added:

“Yeah, that’s cool with me. I’m tired of the car. If I don’t stretch my legs soon I’m gonna be stuck like this.”

“Camping out it is, then. Let’s deliver this package first, and then we can decide what to do from there.” Ignis sounded somewhat distant, and Prompto almost could imagine the little voice in the tactician’s head chiming, _‘recalculating…’_

~~

That evening, they pulled into the Coernix station and each set about their duties. Ignis refueled the Regalia while Gladio helped wipe down the windshield, Noctis went to hand off the package to the hunter, and Prompto ducked into the attached store after a quick, “Gonna get some snacks!”

He watched carefully, quick intermittent glances as he boredly eyed two different bags of potato chips to at least look like he was doing something rather than loitering disinterestedly. They set up camp for the night at the caravan across the parking lot and that was Prompto’s signal to duck out the door and head in the opposite direction toward the diner.

For an ungodly amount of time Prompto stood in the Crow’s Nest bathroom, staring into the dirtied mirror and fixing every hair out of place. Adjusted his jacket to perfect half-fastening, pulled his sweatpants just slightly down to expose his hips, and tried to pep-talk himself out of nervousness as he did so.

“C’mon, ‘blondie,’ you got this. First date. Can’t be but so bad. Think of the free food… and the…” the thought trailed off into a guilty chuckle as that picture from before resurfaced in his mind. “Let’s hope his face looks as good as his dick, I’ll love him forever. Gladio got nothin’ on my flirt skills, I’d like to see him try this. Hehe.”

With that, he stepped out into the diner and headed toward a booth in the far corner, only to find a familiar tuft of gray-black hair poking out alarmingly from the divider.

_Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????_

“Noct? I thought you’d been dropping off that package. Guess you, uh, got hungry, huh?” Prompto swore internally again, realizing that there were now no empty booths, and most of the seats at the bar were full. How was he supposed to meet his (hot?) date if his best friend was sitting two feet away?!

“Yeah, I’m feeling french fries today. Kinda tired of Gladio’s crappy granola bars and Ebony.” Noctis shrugged and smirked, crossing his arms against the table and leaning into it. “You?”

“I, um… already ate. Gonna head back to the caravan now, I think. See ya, Noct!”

To keep the conversation from veering anywhere else, Prompto ducked out of the restaurant, took a detour to the back, and leaned against the wall, hidden behind some broken-down boxes and some stacked crates. His hands practically shook off of his wrists as he opened his phone, ready to type out a disappointing message.

_[Cockblock alert - no more booths at the diner. Meet me out back instead? I’ll make it up to you. - blondieboi173]_

Not a minute later, the response came.

_[sure. b right there - e1337hiscore]_

How long was he waiting? One minute? Five? Each time someone left the diner he could hear it, their footsteps trailing into the distance, and yet… finally! ...Wait.

Poking his head out from the pile of boxes, he stared right into… Noctis’ surprised blue eyes.

Oh.

Oh _fuck._

It couldn’t be. Could it? All those raunchy messages, and worse… Prompto had never felt like dying more until that particular moment.

“Uh… hey. Just, uh… uh…”

“Blondie. _You’re_ Blondie!? Holy shit, and I should’ve fucking known it was you! I don’t believe this!” Noctis’ voice rang with humor as he doubled over onto the stack of crates, holding his sides as he laughed uncontrollably. “We said so much shit to each other, I think I’m gonna _die!”_

More laughter, and Prompto only felt his face burning, embarrassed tears starting to well up.

“I, uh… hey. I’m sorry, Noct. I didn’t know, and, uh…”

“Don’t be!” Noctis finally managed, past a few deep breaths (laced with breathy chuckling) and a faint smile. “I… guess it’s my turn to make a confession, then. Truth is, I’ve… okay, I’ve liked you for a really long time. And I mean a _really_ long time. But… I couldn’t say anything. I was too scared to. I knew if I tried, you’d probably hate me, or it would get really awkward, and I didn’t want to lose my best friend. So… I went and joined this stupid eMoogle shit hoping to try to forget about… y’know. But the stars apparently aligned and here you are. Did… were you just saying those things to ‘leet’ because you wanted a quick fuck, or, were you serious too?”

Truth be told, it was unusual - looking back, Prompto realized how well he’d clicked with this mystery guy was _because_ he reminded him so much of his best friend. But they were both too distracted (or was it crafty?) to realize it was the other.

“I… I’ve liked you too. Forget that leet guy, I want _you._ As Noct. As my best friend. Okay, maybe even a little bit more than best friend. I’m sorry I threw it all out like that.” With an uneasy smile, he reached out for Noctis’ hand and was surprised to realize that when Noctis grabbed his palm, he pulled him into a welcomingly deep kiss.

Their tongues briefly tasted each other, both somewhat nervous as they shared their first kiss. Even if they were out behind a diner and hoping that no one could see what they were up to, they made out as if they were alone. The faint hesitations turned to more passionate biting as they both gathered courage, each fighting as if to taste more. Once wasn’t nearly enough.

“Hey, ‘Blondie’,” Noctis teased, while his hand snuck down to roughly grab his new lover’s ass, “You still up for that dessert?”

“When and where, I’m game,” Prompto answered, giving Noctis a light shove at the unfortunately endearing nickname. Never would he have guessed his night would have turned out like this, but this was a thousand times better than anything he could have hoped for, and he thanked everything he had that it ended so well. Who would have thought a stupid dating app could have changed his life so much?

**Author's Note:**

> now that you've read the fic, I hope you were able to make it past all the /teeeeeeeeeerrible/ jokes and see how in-character it all can be. What with all the humor in the game, and the idea that I had the other night, it had to be done! What a crackfest hehe. Let me know what you thought? I'm a huge fan of terrible jokes so this fic was perfect. And I'm unfortunately proud of "eMoogle" I worked too hard thinking of that xD
> 
> (It seems I either write super emotional stuff, super emotional sexy stuff, or something REALLY cracky. What is writing even)


End file.
